"OMG, imagine if I gave Slater a blowj*b, my Mum would be so stoked. She's a decade younger than him and still thinks he's hot."
Let’s trot. So bossing the Changa is back in Coolie. I’m trying with my boyfriend to hook up a babe for a throuple, maybe a toasty Brazilian stud if we can’t.
Sure, the bank is groomed, the waves have been really fun, and if I get to give a few blowies or lick some fannies that will be icing on the cake. I ran out of Olanzapine to trip out the anorexic thoughts but if I have to be a mad slag to survive, life is still grand.
Went on a shoot with X, horny slag herself, but rips.
OMG, the photog was a complete creepy cat. He tried to finger bang me in the back of the changing room. I screamed and said, “What the f*ck dude, my boyfriend will f*ck you up”.
He said he was sorry and made some lame arse excuse and bought me and X Air Mails all night at the Rattlesnake. Said he could get me a sponno with Rip Curl. Creepy dude is so full of sh*t. So many dudes full of sh*t.
Still, ZX did a smoking little DJ set and I gave Ronnie (haha, not his real name) a blowj*b in the dunny after he gave me a little bump. So fun. Still horny when I got home so I woke boyfriend up with a blowj*b and jumped on. Damn, I forgot how much the psych meds gutted your sex drive. I feel like the hornie*st lioness on earth.
Next morning we had breakfast at Haig St, Kirra. I had pear and raspberry loaf and a flat white. Felt like a fat cow, but whatever. X had a green bowl and a Bloody Mary. What a pyscho!
We had to wait for the tide to drop to do a lap. Money was tight but I knew I had more work in LA. I saw my agent the other day and he told me they couldn’t get American girls because they were all so fragile. I love the way he says it: “Sooo frah-jil.” He’s gay as a lord but so lovely. Flew all the way to Australia from New York to find some new girls. He said Australian girls had more spunk and gave better blowj*bs. How would he know, he’s probs a kai-kai whippee!
So many babes on the bank. I’m psychotically competitive out there. Had to break some creepy old guys wank dream when he was too deep, just to get a set wave. The Number Eight Handle-me made me goes so sick out there. Rosie and me had soo much fun. She dropped in on Slater. He’s kind of gross and kind of hot still. I told Rosie she should offer him a blowj*b.
OMG, imagine if I gave Slater a blowj*b, my Mum would be so stoked. She’s a decade younger than him and still thinks he’s hot. My Dad hates him, thinks he a total kook.
Dad tried to make it as a pro and never got off the Q-ey. Ended up with a hefty credit card debt and a cocaine addiction. He lives in Indo now. I don’t see much of him since he split with Mum, never did really. He never once came to visit when I was in the mental health unit. That made me sad. It makes me sad thinking of him, so I don’t. He’s probably got some Indonesian girlfriend my age. Why are guys are so freaking creepy and gross. So dog.
There’s that psycho bitch who tried to f*ck my boyfriend while I was sick. She is kind of hot I have to admit. Trying to get on the Changa, I heard she gave a blowj*b to X’s coach. What a slu*t. He’s such a crusty old gross dude, too. So many creepy cats in the surf industry.
I couldn’t do anything in the clinic anyway. Locked up in Lismore for six weeks getting fed Fluoxetine and doing group therapy every day. Mum would visit from Byron every few days. Least I could listen to Billie Eilish and make lame psych ward Tik Toks and finger bang the other chick in there. We were both so bored and she was cute and a slu*t like me.
Maybe Aussie chicks are just as frah-jil as the american ones? I don’t know. We’re all pretty f*cked up in the head. Least I’m chill now and not a psycho bitch like X.
Life’s pretty good, actually. I mean it’s OK. I still have to do some shifts at the cafe in Coolangatta. The one run by Israelis. The chef is rapey and sigma and the manager told me my dress was too short and my boobs were too exposed the other day. What a jealous, sex neggy bitch. I called the owner and told him I was quitting and he begged me to stay so I guess I will for a bit. Until I go overseas, at least. He’s a full cooker but it’s OK money.
Maybe I’ll go back to uni when I get back. f*ck going back to Melbourne though, sh*tty experience during lockdowns. So zesty, all my friends came home. I could study here and surf every day, move back in with Mum. I don’t really know and don’t really care. I’m only 19 so no rush. Maybe I’ll even get back on the Q-ey. Maybe end up in New York, the lesbian bars are great, immaculate vibes.
D-bah looked fun today but we surfed Snapper into Greenmount again. The queen was out, omg I luv her so much. Such an angel babe. If I could be one person it would be Steph Gilmore.
Sammy Pupo burned me but I tried to give him my number, I love that little moustache and the grill. Hot doggy. I hope he wins the comp. I feel horny as f*ck because I am living in an existential vacuum. I dunno. We’re all going to fry and sometimes life barely seems worth living.
Like, what is the point of it? Forget about it, we’re all f*cked.
I’ll catch up for coffee at Vanilla Lily with Nadia, she wants to start a biz selling jewellery and swimwear, with me. We could set up in Bali and live in Canggu, sell the stuff back here at markets and online.
It sounds pretty sick. A nice little life, for sure.
Still in Coolangatta now, though. Probably go watch the Changa final tomorrow. Have some fun at the Sands afterwards, grab a guy or babe for a threesome.
Life’s alright if you don’t think about it too much, even when you are off the meds.
(Editor’s note: Velouria Velveteen is the nom de plume of a noted Coolangatta surfer, who wishes to remain reasonably anonymous for pretty obvious reasons. This is her first piece for BeachGrit.)
